


His Name Is Sammy

by DoIEverForgetThePie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, Pre-Series, Pre-Series Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 02:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3960562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoIEverForgetThePie/pseuds/DoIEverForgetThePie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Sam had kept a journal? </p><p>*pre-series*</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Name Is Sammy

**Author's Note:**

> I'm planning on doing one of these for each season. This is the pre-series edition. Lots of my own head-canon, mixed with dates from John Winchester's Hunting Journal. Any issues with dates are more than likely because I did it to benefit my head-canon. 
> 
> Enjoy! Kudos, comments, and shares, please~!

**Entry 1**

_May 2, 1999_

I'm 16 today and I'm not even sure Dad realizes it's my birthday-- it isn't like it matters, anyway. We are in some small Arizona town called Clay Springs and dad seems to think he's got a lead on what killed Mom, so happy birthday to me. Dad's here, or around, but somehow he's not-- he checked out 16 years ago. I know that he did. I don't think I've ever really had a dad or a mom. I think he thinks he's doing his best.

 

**Entry 2**

Dean's sitting on the bed and he looks pissed about something, I would ask him why but he always looks like that.

_This isn't where I want to be today._

 

**Entry 3**

Dean stopped being an angry 20 year old long enough to put his arm over my shoulder and say something about me being an old man now. I don't always understand what makes my brother tick. Sometimes I think he's just going through the motions and he doesn't really know what makes him tick either. I wish things were different. I think Dean would have been different if mom didn't die. I love my brother, I just wish he loved himself.

 

**Entry 4**

Maybe Dad did remember my birthday, he took me to take my driver's test. Dad wouldn't let me drive the Impala for the test, he said he couldn't risk the driving inspector digging around inside of it. I had to use a car from the DMV.

I passed, I wouldn't have expected to fail, I've been driving since I was 9.

It's stupid that something as simple as getting a driver's license made me feel like I had a normal life, even if it was just temporary. I imagined that when I got back into the car we would have been heading back to a nice house in a neighborhood and maybe Mom would be waiting there to show me the brand new car.

But we weren't and she wouldn't be.

* * *

**Entry 5**

_May 17, 1999_

Dad is really bad today. I didn't realize why until I wrote the date. He and Mom would have been married for 21 years... but they only made it to 5 years. I think Dad is still blaming himself for not being able to pull her out of the fire. I understand the guilt. I feel like it's my fault too somehow.

I love Mom by default, but I don't really know who she is. Dad and Dean don't talk about her. They shut down when I try to bring her up. I know Dad has a good memory of her, they were married for almost half a decade when she died. Dean on the other hand, I don't know... Maybe he has a hazy ghost where she should be in his mind, he was only four when she died. I've seen a couple pictures, but I don't know the sound of her voice or what it feels like to hug her. Sometimes it makes me angry.

I didn't ask for this life.

* * *

 

**Entry 5**

_November 2, 1999_

I haven't written in here for a long time. I haven't felt like I've had much to say... But tonight... Tonight I want to get out more than ever.

Dad is drunk. He's always drunk, but tonight, combined with this being the 16th anniversary of Mom's death and the failure of the latest hunt he and Dean went on... it's almost unbearable. I could hear them screaming through the motel door and I just want to tell them to stop. Dad's yelling at Dean for not loading silver bullets into a gun while hunting a werewolf. He just told Dean that he had made a _rookie mistake_ and _you could have gotten us both killed_. Dean is yelling back and he yells for a long time. He yells until Dad said I _f I die-- if you die, what happens to Sammy?_

I'm trying not to listen anymore. It's easier than it was because I can just hear a quiet mumble.

Every time Dad throws my name at Dean, he clams up. I wish Dad wouldn't do that. I wish I could tell him to stop. Even if I did, it wouldn't matter. He would never stop. That's how he keeps Dean in check. It never matters what I have to say anyway. I'm just Sam. Sammy. The 16 year old _geek_ as Dean calls me.

I don't think there's much to me that does matter.

* * *

  

**Entry 6**

_December 31, 1999_

"Happy" New Year's eve. Dad is on a hunt. Dean is on his way to a bar. And I'm alone. Just me and the static on the motel television.

The countdown for Y2K is starting. I wonder if the world will end like they say it will.

Part of me hopes it will.

* * *

 

**Entry 7**

_January 1, 2000_

Dad came dragging in a few hours ago, with Dean leaning on his shoulder. He was still drunk when Dad laid him across the bed. He stinks. I think he threw up on himself. He's passed out right now and Dad is looking rough-- like he's barely holding on.

The world hasn't ended yet, so Happy New Year, I guess.

* * *

 

 

**Entry 8**

_January 24, 2000_

Happy 21st birthday, Dean.

* * *

 

**Entry 9**

_May 2, 2000_

I'm 17 today. Just another year. I thought that birthdays wouldn't lose meaning until much later in my life, but today is just another day.

Dad remembered and he bought me a Macintosh computer. It's cool. It's a good gift, maybe I can do better with school work now-- even though I know Dad wants me to use it in regards to hunting.

I think I'm going to stop writing for a while.

Maybe.

* * *

 

 

**Entry 10**

_May 2, 2001_

I'm 18.

I could leave.

I could leave right now and maybe I could get out, but I'll wait.

Maybe.

* * *

 

 

 

**Entry 11**

_January 24, 2002_

Dean's 23. And Dad is proud of him. I can tell. He's always proud of Dean, he always has been.

I don't know how he feels about me.

I think it's time to leave baby Sammy behind. I'm Sam Winchester, there is no more Sammy.

I sent off some college applications.

This is my way out.

* * *

 

  **Entry 12**

_March 3, 2002_

I got back a letter today. It's from Stanford University. I got accepted.

I wish it made me happier. I wish I could be excited about it. I want to tell Dad and Dean that I've got accepted and I want them to be happy for me, but I know it's going to blow up in my face. I'm hoping there's not a fist fight, but either way.... I'm leaving.

I want out.

* * *

 

  **Entry 13**

_March 8, 2002_

I told Dad today.

It went just as well as I would have expected. He told me if I left, to not come back. Good. I won't, because that's my ticket out.

Dean told me to go to Hell. He hates me right now, but that's okay. It'll be easier to distance myself from him when I leave if he's mad at me and not speaking.

* * *

 

  **Entry 14**

_May 2. 2002_

19.

I've been alive for nearly two decades. I've seen things. Things most people don't even know exist. I've killed those things... Monsters or not. Saving people or not. I don't want this and I'm almost out.

* * *

 

 

 

**Entry 15**

_June 13, 2002_

I graduated. A year late thanks to Dad.

I didn't go the ceremony, there was really no point. No one would have clapped for me or stood up for me in the crowd when I walked across the stage. No one at that school even knew my name.

* * *

 

**Entry 16**

_August 31, 2002_

I got on the bus for Stanford today.

Dean wouldn't tell me goodbye.

Dad reiterated to me that I couldn't come back once I got on this bus.

I'm on my way to California. I've done it. I've gotten out.

* * *

 

**Entry 17**

_January 24, 2003_

Dean is 24. Part of me misses him, but the part that wanted out of that life just keeps pushing it down.

* * *

 

**Entry 18**

_May 2, 2003_

I'm 20.

No one knows it's my birthday and I'm okay with that.

* * *

 

**Entry 19**

_December 2, 2003_

Brady came back from Thanksgiving break pretty screwed up. I think he's getting into drugs. I didn't ever expect this from him.

* * *

 

**Entry 20**

_December 16, 2003_

Brady introduced me to a girl. She's gorgeous, I think I like her. Her name is Jessica, but we all call her Jess. Maybe I'll ask her out.

* * *

 

**Entry 21**

_January 1, 2004_

This is the first time I can say Happy New Year and mean it. I asked Jess out last night and she said yes.

I feel so far from where I came from that it feels like Sammy is a completely different person.

Maybe he is. No one has called me that in a long time.

* * *

 

**Entry 22**

_January 24, 2004_

25.

Dean is 25.

I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm getting ready to leave, today is Jess' birthday too. I'm taking her out for dinner.

She's 20.

* * *

 

**Entry 23**

_May 2, 2004_

I'm 21.

I didn't drink. Alcohol makes me think too much of Dad.

Jess and I have just been watching movies in my dorm.

It's almost midnight and she's asleep on the couch. She looks pretty when she sleeps-- she looks pretty all the time.

It's not even been 5 months, but I'm sure I love her.

* * *

 

**Entry 24**

_January 1, 2005_

I looked at engagement rings today. Jess and I have been together for a year.

I've never felt like this about anyone in my life.

Maybe one day I'll buy her one of those pretty diamond rings and we will get married.

I'm glad Jess doesn't know about what my family does for a living. We don't talk about them. At all.

I really did get away.

* * *

 

**Entry 25**

_January 24, 2005_

I can't bake. I almost caught the apartment on fire trying to bake a cake for Jess' 21st birthday. I won't do that again.

I bought her a necklace and told her I love her. I think I should have gone with the ring and asked her to marry me.

 

**Entry 26**

I didn't wish Dean a happy 26th birthday... Since we haven't spoken in so long, this is the only way I can do it.

Happy birthday, Dean. I hope that things are okay. I hope you've found whatever killed Mom. I hope Dad is less of a jackass.

* * *

 

**Entry 27**

_May 2, 2005_

Birthdays are starting to mean a little something again. I

'm 22 today and it just feels good to know that Jess will wake up soon and roll over to me.

I have something stable.

 

* * *

**Entry 28**

_October 3, 2005_

I just got woke up from a nightmare. Jess was burning up on the ceiling just like Dean told me Mom had.

This is too much and my head hurts.

 

* * *

**Entry 29**

_October 15, 2005_

I'm still having that nightmare every once in a while. Insomnia is starting to set in full force. I don't want to close my eyes and see that.

I don't want to lose Jess-- I can't lose Jess. She's all I have.

I don't have a family.

 

* * *

**Entry 30**

_October 30, 2005_

I hate Halloween parties.

I hate Halloween.

It's just one big reminder that people have no idea what's out there. Sometimes, I try to forget that those things are out there... but I can't. Memories of the supernatural make up more than half of my life.

Jess is pretty adamant that I go though, to celebrate my 'flawless LSAT score' as she puts it.

 

**Entry 31**

'Crash and burn.'

Jess has never been more right, without her I'd lose my mind.

I'm going to bed. I want to rest up for the next few days, I've got an interview Monday. Law school.


End file.
